Don't worry about it
Some weeks ago, I started crying while reading a book. The sentence that made me break into little sobs was ‘Don’t worry about it’. The book in question is barely forty pages long, and is written by one of my favorite famous persons, Lauren Graham.
For the uninitiated, Lauren Graham is the star of the show Gilmore Girls, playing Lorelai Gilmore. Besides delivering one of the greatest characters of all time, Graham also writes, and contrary to most celebrities, writes her own books, and writes them well. Her book ‘In Conclusion, Don’t Worry About It’ is a speech in which she talks about how no amount of worrying ever made any difference to how her life actually panned out. ‘Don’t worry about it’ is a sentence so obvious that it’s easily taken for granted, and despite dishing out this advice day and night, that evening lying on my couch, I realised I needed to hear it for myself.
In the last few months, I had (and still have) taken on too much, work that I deliberately chose and very much enjoy, but threatens to get overwhelming all the same. Add to that the constant demands of attempting to live a grown-up life and you realise that there is always something to do. And so, I have been constantly working, but also unfortunately, constantly worrying.
My own dreams that once upon a time I cherished with big, hopeful eyes formed a roof of self-imposed pressure over my head. I got so used to wanting to reach somewhere, a point which constantly progressed further away from me, that I often forgot to enjoy the distance I had already covered.
That evening, I lay sprawled on my sofa in a flat, which a couple of months ago had been a flat I had dreamt of living in, but which I had become oblivious to, after moving in. I reread Graham’s book.
She writes about being in tenth grade and getting to play a background actor in her school play, and being thrilled about being awarded that role. She remembers attempting to perform this small, insignificant part with great dedication. In two years, her reputation as an actor got cemented more in school, and in twelfth grade, everyone expected her to get the lead in the annual play. In the audition however, she froze up, as pressure of being the best came in her way. She was handed a minor, side role. She thinks of her high school life as a metaphor for pretty much everything that came along in the ‘real world’ for her.
What Graham wrote made me think of my own dreams and my perceived successes and losses. I choose to write books for the deep love I have for it, just as any passion for art should be. But anytime I pressure myself to perform or succeed in a way that is outside of my control (like I was doing then), I rob it of my love. Anytime I expected results that are beyond my own efforts, I actually betray myself.
‘Love yourself, and what you’re doing, even if you’re not yet at the place you hope to land. Let joy be the thing that drives you’ Graham writes. No wonder that made me cry! What the hell was I doing? Why was I not loving myself? How could I be sooo harsh?!
Immediately, the pressure roof cracked, and I felt like I could breathe again. More than anything, I decided, I would stop worrying about IT. Because IT is ever changing, omnipresent, and infinite, whereas IT should be nothing, or merely a pestering fly that deserves to be swatted away.
It has been some time since then, and I won’t lie and say that I don’t worry about it, but I have learnt to remember this moment of epiphany and the relief it gave me. I have remembered to breathe, take perspective, and think of things in the long run (which I’m actually pretty good at). In fact, this made me fly straight to Italy as soon as I was done organising a conference that kept me very busy in those weeks.
Do you see how I washed my worries away? Highly recommend!
In other news, I am in Delhi at the moment and after a long time, hosting a fun, creative writing workshop on 3rd August, at 5 pm, at Kunzum Books GK 2. If you’re in Delhi and would like to come, please sign up here, I would love to see you so much! My novel Lallan Sweets has been climbing some charts lately, and I want to celebrate and have some fun with fellow readers and writers!
Until next month!
Much love,
Srishti